Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
