just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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