I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Randomize
