I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
