Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
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