This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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