It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
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There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
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I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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