Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
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