Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
You're so nebulous sometimes
$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Randomize
