There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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