Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
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A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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