how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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