I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize
