My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
