I wish my penis had an off switch
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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