Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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