They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
