Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Randomize
