at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
