considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
