between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Randomize
