we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
