So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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