Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
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