So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
