i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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