I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
