dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
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