We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
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