it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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