Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Randomize
