Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
