did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
He has the fingertips of a God
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