If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
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I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
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As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
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