He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize