My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
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