I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Randomize
