you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
