I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
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