Please, let me fuck your mom
We need to rekindle our bromance
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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