Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
