he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
