I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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