the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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