ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Randomize
