Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
