I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Randomize
