everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
