im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Randomize
