Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
