and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
