with your own penis?
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
