I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Randomize
