It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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