I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
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